THe Ghost of Christmas Past

I like Christmas now...in fact, I've always looked forward to Christmases in the past; but as a child Christmas always turned out to be a disappointment. Yet I always hoped the next would be brighter. When I was really little, my sisters were in charge of my stocking...or I think they just did it because they had been disappointed when there was nothing in their stockings when they were small...my sisters were 11 and 9 years older than me so they were well experienced in Christmas disappointment. When I was 5 my dad asked, "so, do you believe in Santa?" He said it as a baited question....which led me to believe that there wasn't....so I said, "No?" After that there was no Santa until I had nieces and a nephew when I was 10...and Santa brought a lot for them...mostly because I told my mom what to buy...and that was when I learned how much fun it was to give.

After my dad died there was little effort put into Christmas...exchanging gifts with my school friends was the highlight of the season. My first year in college marks the worst Christmas ever...my sister asked if I would like her to take me shopping the day after Christmas to pick out something from her...I thought that was a great idea...and looked forward to getting some clothes that fit and that I liked without having to do exchanges...and I could get more she assured me because things were going to be on sale!! I didn't have much money for gifts but I made a gift or purchased something for everyone. I was paying my own way through college and with tuition, rent, etc there was little left. I'd also made cookies and fudge and even some bread dough ornaments to top my packages. My mom and I spent Christmas Eve at my sister's and on Christmas morning my nieces ran to their stockings which were full of goodies. Then they pulled out packages from under the tree and sorted presents out into piles....I didn't have a thing! My mom kind of laughed and said, "Well I was going to take you shopping," which, even if she had planned in advance, she should have told me or she should have had a pair of socks...or anything, that I could open. I remember my niece offering to let me open some of her packages...but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. I suppose looking back that my mom felt badly, but she would never admit it or apologize...I just remember how unloved I felt. And every year that Christmas haunts me....along with a few others when I got Avon perfume in bottles shaped like a turtle and a giraffe....I think I was 10....totally inappropriate...not to mention that crap makes me sneeze. And then there was a Christmas when I was 11...my mom bought a stupid red plastic payphone toy from the swap meet....she thought you put real coins in it but it played little plastic records of Mickey, Minnie and Pluto answering your call...I think she might have gotten it for my niece or nephew and then realized later she had nothing for me and then wrapped it up...I was embarrassed to show any of my friends...so I kept it in the pile of toys for when my nieces and nephew visited. My parents never asked what I would want for Christmas...and I always felt like I couldn't ask because they couldn't afford whatever I wanted....even though my dad worked and my mom worked part time as a crossing guard...but my parents grew up during the depression...and they had nothing as kids so why should we want when we had so much?

I do have everything I need....and I think these early Christmas memories have taught me to give. Last year I was recovering from surgery and I did not do my annual Christmas fundraiser for a family with a child with cancer. But this Christmas I was able to send $900 to such a family. I sold my crafts at a local craft fair and at my school's Candy Cane Lane...and a few teachers made donations and Post Card Cindy added $100...and we spread a lot of Merry Christmas to one family that has had an enormous amount of bills due to cancer treatments and on going cancer related problems. Giving up my time and costs to this family is the biggest Christmas gift I have ever received :)

Merry Christmas to you and yours-and hopefully there's no Avon under your tree :)

*LIVESTRONG*LOVESTRONGER*LAUGH HARDER*MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL*